


Don't get caught

by Melime



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Bickering, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, Nygmobblepot Week 2017, Old Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 04:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10268624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Ed is caught and sent to Arkham yet again. Oswald worries about him even though he can be easily rescued. They argue over Ed's safety, but after all these years Oswald can't stay mad for long.Or, the one where they have been married for nearly a quarter of a century and Oswald still can't stand that Ed gets caught just because he insists on leaving clues for Batman.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Não seja pego](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10268633) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Written for the nygmobblepot week 2017, day 1 - future Riddler/Penguin.

Ed laid down on the bed, and tried to make himself comfortable, or as comfortable as one could be in Arkham. The room was still as cold as it had been the last time he was there, but that didn’t come as much of a surprise, if that hadn’t changed it thirty years, there was no reason to expect it would have changed in a few months. As uncomfortable as that was, it didn’t bother him. He knew he wouldn’t be staying there long.

Sure enough, just a few hours later, he was woken up by the sound of something banging the inside of the ventilation shaft. Not loud enough for anyone else to hear, but he was used to the sound, and expecting it. Actually, expecting it a lot earlier, someone was probably mad at him.

Ed opened the ventilation shaft - really, after all those years one would expect they would eventually make these things more secure, otherwise they might as well install a revolving door at the front, because everyone always escaped - and held the penguin that fell from it, holding a rope. Ed sighed, really, he got lost one time and now Oswald was always assuming he needed a guide to get out, while he was just waiting for a sign that he had a ride home. One of these days he was going to escape by himself just to prove he could - and preferably not be recaptured in the process -.

“Come on, buddy.” He unbuttoned his shirt to place the penguin inside. He would be sleeping on the couch if he left one of Oswald’s beloved penguins behind, and the little guy did just come to his rescue. Luckily, Oswald had thought of sending a fairly small one, possibly a juvenile, or else he wouldn’t know how to take the penguin out of there with him.

Ed tested the rope and it was firm, so he climbed up. At one point, he wouldn’t have needed any help to climb the vents, but he wasn’t so young anymore. Thankfully, having a guideline meant he was able to find his way out with some ease, and then he placed the penguin back on the ground, to show him where Oswald was.

Oswald was in a terrible mood. He hadn’t planned on spending the night out in the cold, holding on to an extra coat for Ed, and waiting for him to find his way out. Ed was not as quick to escape as he liked to think he was.

“It’s cold and icy where we live, so we have to huddle in tight. We have wings but cannot fly, so we can’t soar to a great height,” called Ed from behind him.

Oswald rolled his eyes, turning to Ed. “You need to come up with new penguin riddles, I already heard that one thousands of times,” he said in an irritated tone.

Ed ignored him, going for a hug and burying himself in Oswald’s coat. It was rather cold outside. “I have been with you too long, I can’t think of any new ones, and the last hundred or so were actually kind of bad.”

“Even for your standards,” Oswald whispered next to Ed’s neck, but he was smiling. He always smiled when they hugged, even after all those years.

“What do you mean by that?” Ed asked offended, but he didn’t push away, so not offended enough to let go of what little heat Oswald had.

“You know what I mean. Now, are you hugging me because you are cold, or because you are trying to make me forget I’m mad at you?”

Ed kissed him ever the top of the head. “You can’t be mad at me, you’re smiling.”

“You can’t know if I’m smiling, you can’t see my face.”

“I can feel your smile on my neck, and you always smile when we hug because you love me, it’s cute.”

Oswald pushed him away. “I am not cute, and I am mad.”

“Then can I say the hug was serving both practical effects and this is a rather chilly night?”

Oswald ruffed, but handed over the extra coat to Ed. “I saw the crime scene report. You wouldn’t have been caught if you didn’t insist on leaving out clues for Batman. Why are you always trying to get caught? We’re criminals, we’re supposed to try to keep ourselves out of Arkham.” He sounded hurt, but he always worried when Ed had a confrontation with Batman, although the no kill rule was of some comfort, he hated to see Ed get hurt.

“Well, but that’s the point of committing crimes if we’re not having fun? Don’t tell me you don’t think stabbing people is fun. I just want to come up with a puzzle that the world’s greatest detective can’t solve, but there’s no point if it’s not a fair challenge, so I have to leave clues that can be solved.”

“Your obsession with beating him will get you locked up somewhere I can’t get you away from one of these days.” He turned and started walking towards the limousine.

Ed followed him. “Impossible, you would stop at nothing to save me.”

“Then maybe next time I just won’t come rescue you so you’ll learn your lesson.”

“You always say that, and you always come to save me.”

“Well, why should I come and save you every time?”

“Because you love me?”

“Not feeling it right now.”

“Because I love you?”

“If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to stress me into an early grave.”

“How about because it was in our vows?”

“I remember no such thing.”

“I’m sure there was something to the effects of ‘to aid and abet, to be an accomplice and an accessory after the fact, to defend against justice and other criminals…’”

“Well, that was twenty five years ago, this is now.”

“Twenty five in July, actually. Maybe we should do a renewal of vows for this anniversary? Since you seem to be so _forgetful_.”

“Barbara always did complain she missed the wedding on account of us wanting to kill her at the time. Where do we stand with the Sirens now?”

“Tabitha swore to kill you last year, so she should be over that by now. I suppose we could invite them. Can we invite Batman? Imagine the mayhem.”

It was the wrong thing to say. “No! Absolutely not! And I’m not planning a renewal of vows with you while I’m still furious.” He got in the car, and closed the door before Ed could follow him.

Ed sighed and went to the other side, getting in and sliding next to Oswald. “Oswald, don’t be like this.”

“You said you were going to buy more spicy mustard.”

“In my defense, I did, the jar just broke when Batman got me.”

Oswald glared at him.

“Right. I’ll do that first thing tomorrow, promise.”

“And you were supposed to make dinner tonight.”

“I still can.”

“I already ate.”

“You are not giving me a lot to work with here.”

“And whose fault is that? Also you didn’t pick up your suit from the tailor. You were supposed to try it on today so it could be adjusted for the gala in time if needed be.”

Ed really didn’t have an excuse for that one. “I’ll pick it up tomorrow?”

Oswald sighed. “It’s a little too late for that. I’ve already picked it up.”

“Are you sure it’ll fit?”

Oswald ruffled. “I have been dressing you for decades! I’m sure by now I can be trusted to see if the measurements are right without your presence. And if it doesn’t, you only have yourself to blame.”

This wasn’t going too well. At this point, Ed didn’t even think he was going to sleep on the couch, because he probably wasn’t going to be allowed in the house. Which meant it was time to play dirty. He slid closer to Oswald, effectively pressing him against the door, and whispered, punctuating each word with a kiss on Oswald’s neck, “Oswald, darling, light of my life, my little bird, my love, my little penguin, can’t you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Oswald swallowed, and did his best not to appear affected, he wouldn’t give Ed the satisfaction. “I’m not hearing an apology.”

Ed thought about a perfect riddle about apologies, but then he remembered he was actually trying to get Oswald to forgive him, not toss him out of the car. So he would save that one for when Oswald was mad about something smaller. “I’m so sorry I was caught and ruined our dinner plans. Please forgive me, in the future I’ll put more effort into not being caught.”

“You won’t get away with this so easily.”

Ed smiled, he could see from his tone that Oswald was already warming up to him again. He climbed on Oswald’s lap, taking care to place his weight on the car’s seat, not Oswald’s legs.

“Well, I could plan something more elaborate. Do you want a sweet apology or a sexy apology?”

Oswald crossed his arms and avoided Ed’s eyes, trying to look more irritated than he was. “The way I see it, you owe me more than one apology.”

Ed placed his arms on either side of Oswald’s neck and pulled closer. “That could be arranged.”

“And no riddles!”

Ed pouted. “But that’s my entire repertoire!”

Oswald rolled his eyes. “Fine, some riddles. But no more than ten, and no treasure hunting! It’s not an apology if I have to go looking for it.”

“I can work with that.”

And then he came closer, kissing Oswald softly, in that way of lovers who know each other too well. After so many years, Ed knew how to disarm Oswald well, if only he could get his hands on him. Of course, the reverse was also true, more than once Ed agreed to let go of a particularly bad plan simply because Oswald got him distracted enough to agree to just about anything if that meant he could stop having to think and talk and could just concentrate on feeling. It was a power that shouldn’t be abused, to turn the Penguin back into Oswald and the Riddler back into Ed.

Oswald shivered, completely disarmed. It was exactly what Ed wanted, an opening to make him forget all about this little Batman incident. Ed allowed his hands to wander, caressing Oswald’s back, his neck, his chest… Ed finally got to his waist, skilled fingers working his pants open, when Oswald stopped him.

“I’m sixty one years old and the chief of Gotham’s underworld, I’m not going to have sex on the back of a limousine like some trust fund fratboy just back from college,” Oswald said, holding Ed’s hands away from him.

“I don’t remember similar objections in the past, in fact I believe it was in this very same car that just last month…”

Oswald blushed. “Yes, yes, yes. But that was an entirely different situation. You can hardly blame me for being carried away on one of the rare occasions one of your plans worked spectacularly well.”

“I’m sorry ‘one of the rare occasions’?” Ed asked outraged.

“You have to admit you have a tendency to get carried away with the riddles and miss everything else.”

“I do not!”

“I think someone is forgetting why they’re always caught by Batman!”

“And I think someone is trying to look like a distinguished old man and forgetting they’re talking to their husband of twenty five years!”

“Well I think someone is trying to seduce me into forgetting they were arrested, and forgetting I know every single trick in their book!”

“And I think someone is trying to stay mad just for the sake of being mad!”

“I think someone is forgetting I have very real reasons to stay mad!”

“Are we still fighting?!”

“I don’t know!”

They just stared at each other, trying to look irritated, which was somewhat hard, considering Ed was still on Oswald’s lap.

Finally, Oswald sighed. “I just worry about you, that you get carried away sometimes and aren’t careful enough.”

Ed’s expression softened. “I know, and I’m sorry but I don’t know how to be any different. Our lives are always going to involve some arrests and I do try to be careful.”

“I wish I could protect you, keep you safe from everything.”

Ed placed a hand on Oswald’s cheek, and smiled softly. It wasn’t the first time they were having this conversation. “I know, and I wish I could keep you safe, but this is just not the way things are for us.”

Oswald covered Ed’s hand with his own. “I know, but that doesn’t make me stop worrying.”

“There’s nothing either one of us can do about that. Why don’t I give you a nice massage when we get back home, and then we can have the rest of the night for ourselves.”

“It’s five in the morning.”

“A lazy morning then, we can stay in bed, make love, sleep a little. The underworld can do without you for a few hours. Let me get your mind off things.”

“Well, at least if you’re in my bed I know you aren’t off doing things you shouldn’t.” He tried to sound annoyed, but he was smiling too much for it to work.

“Don’t you mean our bed?”

“I mean I’ll tie you up and never let you leave the next time you decide to leave one too many clues for Batman to find you.”

“That’s fair. But threatening to tie me up may be a little counter-productive.”

“You’re a pervert.”

“And you like it.”

And then they were kissing again.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing for this ship, as I only got around to watching Gotham a short while ago, and I probably don't have the time to write now, but I was captivated by Oswald (as an ace wlw, any asexual representation already catches my eyes, but an asexual character attracted to the same sex? How could I not immediately identify with him?), and after the canon events I'm choosing to ignore and live in denial land where Oswald and Ed are happy together, I had to write something.
> 
> I should probably say at this point that, other than a few of the movies and I think a cartoon back in the days of VHS, and of course the series itself, I don't know much of anything about Batman canon (and other than the current series and movies, not much of anything about DC at all), so take this interpretation with a grain of salt, but then again, as I heard it Gotham's approach to canon is rather liberal.


End file.
